The Bitches of Eastwick

Mike was the only Magic

Tue, 10 Jul 2012 18:09:17 -0400

Just got home from seeing “Magic Mike” and ran to imdb to find out the name of the worst actress I’ve ever seen, yes, even worse than Kristen Stewart! Her name is Cody Horn and surprise, surprise, her daddy is the head of Warner Bros. That explains how this no talent got a career. Her weird mouth/lips make her look like the lovechild of Keira Knightley and Renee Zellweger.

Overall, the script was convoluted and tried to create a “B” storyline with the character of Adam, but Soderbergh’s weird camera angles and extended drug-induced sequences merely killed the already disjointed pace. McConaughey has become a caricature of himself and the writer made his character very linear. It was entirely far-fetched when Tatum’s character used his nest egg to help Adam, as there wasn’t enough established between them to justify the sacrifice. The movie was essentially random shit in between Tatum’s bump-and-grind street dancing sequences. To say that he was the best thing in the movie isn’t that much of a compliment, since the bar was pretty damn low.

Magic Mike Review

Thu, 28 Jun 2012 23:37:45 -0400

Overall, better than expected. Channing Tatum has proven himself leading man material; he’s engaging, handsome and surprisingly funny - and let’s not forget his awesome dance/stripping skills. (In all fairness my opinion may be bias - I’ve been a huge Tatum fan since 21 Jump Street.)

My only real complaint is the love story between Tatum and Cody Horn. By and large, it was unrealistic and…boring. Horn’s character was completely unlikable. Seriously, I can’t think of one redeeming quality. Horn being a terrible actress didn’t help the situation.

Still, I recommend this one if only for the opportunity of watching Tatum strip.

-Alexandra

Magic Mike review

Tue, 26 Jun 2012 19:31:06 -0400

I have boarded the official Channing Tatum love train since 21 Jump Street, this movie is making me its conductor. He dances! Shirtless! Pantless! A lot! In between these scenes he can even make you care about the soul sucking experience of being a 30 year old stripper! Unfortunately, the one thing even he cannot do is save the movie from the soul sucking experience of having to watch Cody Horn. Playing his love interest, apparently she thinks being “deep” and “mature” means boring and lifeless. Regardless of her performance, I greatly enjoyed the movie and would recommend it- The Original Sukie

More hot bodies less blah blah blah..

Tue, 26 Jun 2012 19:25:45 -0400

Jane Says…

As a warm blooded American (by way of the Caribbean) woman I thoroughly enjoyed some aspects of Magic Mike. Channing Tatum was funny, charming and gorgeous—which exceeded my expectation for the type of movie everyone’s dubbed “Showgirls for women”— and his supporting strippers were also great! The one MAJOR downside was that Tatum’s love interest played by Cody Horn was one of the worst actresses I’ve seen! She made Kristen “one face” Stewart look like Meryl freaking Streep! She decided that all of her dialog should be delivered with a pause in which to compose her expressionless face.
Other than that the plot did tend to lag a bit when Mike’s protege got delusions of grandeur and went rogue on a side deal with one of the most confusing drug pushers I’ve seen on screen.
Now when the guys danced an entire theater full of women were drooling so much the ushers had to bring in the big mops!
To surmise: more dancing less blah blah blah…

Safety not Guaranteed

Thu, 21 Jun 2012 19:31:36 -0400

A genuinely enjoyable little comedy, with great performances. I found myself rooting for everyone, and exicted to being watching a story I hadn’t seen hundred times before. When I didn’t predict every other scene, I found myself liking this quirky rom-com even more. Recommended as a smarter than average indie romantic comedy- The Original Sukie.

Safety not Guaranteed

Thu, 21 Jun 2012 19:08:14 -0400

Overall, this was one of the best movies I’ve seen in a while and I would definitely recommend seeing it. The acting was superb and the story engaging. However, that said, now that I’ve sat down to write my review all I can really think to discuss are the negatives. The script started strong, but ultimately seemed to suffer a sever case of schizophrenia. And, despite this, there were couple of unnecessary lags in the middle. Maybe I’m just never satisfied. A character flaw, you say? Me and Kayne, always finding something wrong. Regardless, even to my mind the positives outweight any negatives.

- Alexandra

Safety not Guaranteed

Thu, 21 Jun 2012 19:00:30 -0400

Jane says…

This movie just makes you feel good! It’s a cute indie rom-com where the characters are believable even when you’re talking about a potentially crazy guy looking for a companion to travel back in time with. Aubrey Plaza was endearing as Darius, the one who could connect with the possibly crazy Kenneth (Mark Duplass) the potential time traveler. My only complaint is that they had a few loose ends. Overall it’s one of tr best movies I’ve seen this year.

Snow White and the Huntsman

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 20:45:27 -0400

I had such high hopes. I was excited at the prospect of a Snow White re-telling I could actually enjoy. And really this should have been a great movie. The acting was superb (minus Kristen Stewart’s one face - for more on Miss. Stewart’s one face see Jane’s review), as were the sets and costumes. Add in a truly epic plot (Snow White is a classic) and you have all the ingredients for a hit. However, when all is said and done Snow White and the Huntsmans was just plain boring. For some reason all the ingredients came together and…missed. This movie was two hours of my life wasted. Do yourself a favor and skip. Or at least do your wallet a favor and wait for the DVR release. It’ll be just as boring 6 months from now.

- Alexandra

Ravenna and the Huntsman

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 20:45:15 -0400

Jane says:

I want to begin by saying how much I wanted to like this movie. I went to a screening, waited in line and wrestled for seats all in the hopes that Snow White and the Huntsman would be as good as the previews and promos made it look. Unfortunately, the movie fell far too low of my overhyped expectations.

It started off well enough with a back story on how SW was born and how she eventually lost her mother then the evil (awesome) queen Ravenna came into their lives. Every scene Charlize Theron was in was Amaz-ing! I wish the movie could have been more about her and less about Kristen Stewart. You will learn that for a long time I’ve considered Kiera Knightly to have only one face she uses to emote. I never imagined that Kristen Stewart would ever unseat her as the most “one-face” of them all. The only time she wore a different expression was when she was “dead” from eating a poisoned apple. The minute she was kissed back to life her horse toothed, mouth breather face popped right back into place.

Thankfully they gave her very little of the terrible dialog that was written for the movie (they have the “Lord’s Prayer” in this fairy tail land?).

Other than the one-face-itis, my main gripe about the movie was that for a girl who’s been trapped in a tower presumably to die (until the queen realizes she needs to eat her heart) the evil queen thought it was a good idea to clothe her in what appeared to be leather leggings and what I’ve dubbed as “running away” boots! Why not put your captive in the corsets that were so fashionable at the time? Or better yet make her barefoot! Aside from the disturbing fashion choices somewhere along the line they taught SW Olympic style swimming! They must’ve taught her that before they locked her up to die, but what does that matter when you can inexplicable commune with animals.

The movie may have been better had they made Ravenna less sympathetic. So what if she steals young maidens youth and kills all the nature around her? She was taken as a child by a vicious king who would only discard her once her beauty faded as he’d done with others before. I can relate to wanting to stay young forever at any and all cost.

I left the movie feeling so cheated. The most joy I got was from relentlessly mocking it with Alexandra and Suckie.

#SWATH Review

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 20:45:05 -0400

Seriously not as bad as Jane makes it out to be. True Kristen Stewart basically sucks out all the life (much like the far superior character Ravenna) from the movie, whenever she’s on the screen for too long, but Charize Theron was riveting. The Huntsman and The Prince were both hot and effective. Costumes and scenery were impressively good. Overall not bad…not great either. If you have the inclination, I’d advise to rent instead of seeing in the theather, and be prepared to be let down-The Original Sukie

Mirror Mirror (the worst re-telling ever)

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 20:44:52 -0400

The script to this movie was terrible. The actors (and director) attempted to compensate for this fact with over-the-top, theatrical (read = campy) acting and visuals. They failed on both accounts. I honestly think this was one of the worst movies I’ve seen, at least in recent memory. I spent most of the movie wishing it would end so I could get on with my life. If I hadn’t been with other people I may have walked out within the first 20 minutes, and I generally have an extremely high tolerance for bad movies (ask Sukie - the things I’ve subjected that poor girl to). I believe Jane actually suggested we leave several times.

Perhaps the problem is that this movie is clearly aimed at children (and there unfortunate parents); I may just be in the wrong demographic. Regardless, I would suggest (strongly suggest) you not waste your money and/or time. Really this movie is only worth it if you are desperate (and I mean really desperate) for something “family-friendly.”

You know, now that I think about it, Snow White and the Huntsman wasn’t that bad.

-Alexandra

Holy Eyebrows Batman!

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 20:44:44 -0400

Jane says:

While I am not nearly as disappointed with this movie as with SWATH, I was baffled as to why anyone (even families with small children) would want to pay to see this movie. I liked Julia Roberts and Armie Hammer, but I was far too distracted by Lilly Collin’s caterpillar eyebrows to care about anything else. During the elfin makeover montage you could hear the entire theater groaning for a good waxing!

Mirror Mirror Review

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 20:44:32 -0400

Now that SWATH is officially out and ready for consumption, lets travel back to a time long ago, the month of March, when we saw an advance screening of Mirror Mirror. I now sigh with weary resignation at the two hours of my life that I will not be getting back, instead of feeling the furious agitation I felt for having to sit through such a bad movie. I love kid movies, I love family movies, and I hated this movie. Nothing worked, nothing. So who’s the fairest of them all? Between Mirror Mirror and SWATH… no contest Snow White and the Huntsman for the win, do yourself a favor and just plain skip this one - The Original Suckie

Extreme Tourism gets extreme-er...

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 20:44:10 -0400

Jane says:

I’m a fan of found footage movies. I’ve seen the Blair Witch in theaters (yeah I’m that old) and I’ve watched all the Paranormal Activity movies too! I love the idea of knowing that even though these things aren’t real that it could be…almost, kinda.

So Chernobyl Diaries was a fun pointless horror movie that made me want to look up more about Chernobyl! I recommend you watch it with some friends and look out for the bear!

Chernobyl Diaries

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 20:44:00 -0400

What can say? Almost nothing…really I’ve been sitting here for a good half hour trying to think of clever comments, interesting blurbs, anything to make this review good, but I got nothing. This movie was equivalent to every other B horror movie you’ve ever seen, with just as many plot holes and ultimately just as uninspiring. If you’re looking for a couple cheap scares and not expecting too much you’ll probably enjoy yourself. Looking for anything more and you’ll definitely be disappointed. The best part of this movie: watching it with Jane who huddled together with Felicia and jumped every five minutes.

-Alexandra

The Chernobyl Diaries Review

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 20:43:51 -0400

I realize I have nothing much too say about this movie, probably because nothing much happened. If you had told me, before my screening, that someone could make a boring mutant zombie movie, I wouldn’t have believed you, but you’d have been right. The city of Pripyat was mesmerizing in it of itself, but throw some attractive twenty-something cannon folder and wait for them to die, and then wait some more, it gets old quick. Rental if your in the mood for an “it’s not that bad” horror movie, and can’t find anything better- The Original Sukie.

ROBOTS OR DINOSAURS?

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 18:58:40 -0400

ROBOTS