The Bitches of Eastwick

3 Bitches 3 Perspectives

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Mike was the only Magic

Just got home from seeing “Magic Mike” and ran to imdb to find out the name of the worst actress I’ve ever seen, yes, even worse than Kristen Stewart! Her name is Cody Horn and surprise, surprise, her daddy is the head of Warner Bros. That explains how this no talent got a career. Her weird mouth/lips make her look like the lovechild of Keira Knightley and Renee Zellweger.

Overall, the script was convoluted and tried to create a “B” storyline with the character of Adam, but Soderbergh’s weird camera angles and extended drug-induced sequences merely killed the already disjointed pace. McConaughey has become a caricature of himself and the writer made his character very linear. It was entirely far-fetched when Tatum’s character used his nest egg to help Adam, as there wasn’t enough established between them to justify the sacrifice. The movie was essentially random shit in between Tatum’s bump-and-grind street dancing sequences. To say that he was the best thing in the movie isn’t that much of a compliment, since the bar was pretty damn low. 

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Magic Mike Review

Overall, better than expected. Channing Tatum has proven himself leading man material; he’s engaging, handsome and surprisingly funny - and let’s not forget his awesome dance/stripping skills. (In all fairness my opinion may be bias - I’ve been a huge Tatum fan since 21 Jump Street.)

My only real complaint is the love story between Tatum and Cody Horn. By and large, it was unrealistic and…boring. Horn’s character was completely unlikable. Seriously, I can’t think of one redeeming quality. Horn being a terrible actress didn’t help the situation.

Still, I recommend this one if only for the opportunity of watching Tatum strip.

-Alexandra

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Magic Mike review

I have boarded the official Channing Tatum love train since 21 Jump Street, this movie is making me its conductor. He dances! Shirtless! Pantless! A lot! In between these scenes he can even make you care about the soul sucking experience of being a 30 year old stripper! Unfortunately, the one thing even he cannot do is save the movie from the soul sucking experience of having to watch Cody Horn. Playing his love interest, apparently she thinks being “deep” and “mature” means boring and lifeless. Regardless of her performance, I greatly enjoyed the movie and would recommend it- The Original Sukie

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More hot bodies less blah blah blah..

Jane Says…

As a warm blooded American (by way of the Caribbean) woman I thoroughly enjoyed some aspects of Magic Mike. Channing Tatum was funny, charming and gorgeous—which exceeded my expectation for the type of movie everyone’s dubbed “Showgirls for women”— and his supporting strippers were also great! The one MAJOR downside was that Tatum’s love interest played by Cody Horn was one of the worst actresses I’ve seen! She made Kristen “one face” Stewart look like Meryl freaking Streep! She decided that all of her dialog should be delivered with a pause in which to compose her expressionless face.
Other than that the plot did tend to lag a bit when Mike’s protege got delusions of grandeur and went rogue on a side deal with one of the most confusing drug pushers I’ve seen on screen.
Now when the guys danced an entire theater full of women were drooling so much the ushers had to bring in the big mops!
To surmise: more dancing less blah blah blah…

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Safety not Guaranteed

A genuinely enjoyable little comedy, with great performances. I found myself rooting for everyone, and exicted to being watching a story I hadn’t seen hundred times before. When I didn’t predict every other scene, I found myself liking this quirky rom-com even more. Recommended as a smarter than average indie romantic comedy- The Original Sukie.

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Safety not Guaranteed

Overall, this was one of the best movies I’ve seen in a while and I would definitely recommend seeing it. The acting was superb and the story engaging. However, that said, now that I’ve sat down to write my review all I can really think to discuss are the negatives. The script started strong, but ultimately seemed to suffer a sever case of schizophrenia. And, despite this, there were couple of unnecessary lags in the middle. Maybe I’m just never satisfied. A character flaw, you say? Me and Kayne, always finding something wrong. Regardless, even to my mind the positives outweight any negatives.

- Alexandra

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Safety not Guaranteed

Jane says…

This movie just makes you feel good! It’s a cute indie rom-com where the characters are believable even when you’re talking about a potentially crazy guy looking for a companion to travel back in time with. Aubrey Plaza was endearing as Darius, the one who could connect with the possibly crazy Kenneth (Mark Duplass) the potential time traveler. My only complaint is that they had a few loose ends. Overall it’s one of tr best movies I’ve seen this year.

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Snow White and the Huntsman

I had such high hopes. I was excited at the prospect of a Snow White re-telling I could actually enjoy. And really this should have been a great movie. The acting was superb (minus Kristen Stewart’s one face - for more on Miss. Stewart’s one face see Jane’s review), as were the sets and costumes. Add in a truly epic plot (Snow White is a classic) and you have all the ingredients for a hit. However, when all is said and done Snow White and the Huntsmans was just plain boring. For some reason all the ingredients came together and…missed. This movie was two hours of my life wasted. Do yourself a favor and skip. Or at least do your wallet a favor and wait for the DVR release. It’ll be just as boring 6 months from now.

- Alexandra

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Ravenna and the Huntsman

Jane says:

I want to begin by saying how much I wanted to like this movie. I went to a screening, waited in line and wrestled for seats all in the hopes that Snow White and the Huntsman would be as good as the previews and promos made it look. Unfortunately, the movie fell far too low of my overhyped expectations.

It started off well enough with a back story on how SW was born and how she eventually lost her mother then the evil (awesome) queen Ravenna came into their lives. Every scene Charlize Theron was in was Amaz-ing! I wish the movie could have been more about her and less about Kristen Stewart. You will learn that for a long time I’ve considered Kiera Knightly to have only one face she uses to emote. I never imagined that Kristen Stewart would ever unseat her as the most “one-face” of them all. The only time she wore a different expression was when she was “dead” from eating a poisoned apple. The minute she was kissed back to life her horse toothed, mouth breather face popped right back into place.

Thankfully they gave her very little of the terrible dialog that was written for the movie (they have the “Lord’s Prayer” in this fairy tail land?).

Other than the one-face-itis, my main gripe about the movie was that for a girl who’s been trapped in a tower presumably to die (until the queen realizes she needs to eat her heart) the evil queen thought it was a good idea to clothe her in what appeared to be leather leggings and what I’ve dubbed as “running away” boots! Why not put your captive in the corsets that were so fashionable at the time? Or better yet make her barefoot! Aside from the disturbing fashion choices somewhere along the line they taught SW Olympic style swimming! They must’ve taught her that before they locked her up to die, but what does that matter when you can inexplicable commune with animals.

The movie may have been better had they made Ravenna less sympathetic. So what if she steals young maidens youth and kills all the nature around her? She was taken as a child by a vicious king who would only discard her once her beauty faded as he’d done with others before. I can relate to wanting to stay young forever at any and all cost.

I left the movie feeling so cheated. The most joy I got was from relentlessly mocking it with Alexandra and Suckie.

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#SWATH Review

Seriously not as bad as Jane makes it out to be. True Kristen Stewart basically sucks out all the life (much like the far superior character Ravenna) from the movie, whenever she’s on the screen for too long, but Charize Theron was riveting. The Huntsman and The Prince were both hot and effective. Costumes and scenery were impressively good. Overall not bad…not great either. If you have the inclination, I’d advise to rent instead of seeing in the theather, and be prepared to be let down-The Original Sukie